Linux - Unix humor

Unix Fun
Try typing these commands on your unix machine.

% cat "food in cans"
cat: can’t open food in cans

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% "How would you rate Quayle’s incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% got a light?
No match.

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

/* not csh but sh */
$ PATH=3Dpretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

Posted to by Tom Phoenix (

Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery,comp.lang.perl.misc
Subject: Re: Sysadmin dreams…

During my Perl-absorption period, I remember dreaming that I had to
write a Perl script to run on a bicycle. I wonder who ported Perl to
that bicycle…

During my Perl-absorption period, I caught myself thinking in Perl when I was being, err, intimate with my girlfriend. I was always thinking about how to codify the process. There were signals, subroutines, variables, device drivers, the whole nine yards (pun intended). It went something like this:



@clothes=(‘shirt’, ‘bra’, ‘pants’, ‘underwear’);

foreach $i (@clothes) {
unlink $i; # fsck bedroomfs to recover zombie clothes
} # later

@zones=(‘lips’, ‘breasts’, ‘legs’, ‘crotch’);

$idx = 2; # start with two minutes; each zone increases
# by one minute
$oral = 0; # this should be run-time configurable

foreach $i (@zones) {
unless ($i =~ /lips/) { # lip massage? I don’t think so.
&rub(60*$idx, $i); # args are time-in-seconds, spot

unless ($i =~ /crotch/ && !$oral) {
&kiss(60*$idx, $i);


&mount; # expect to catch that SLAP_IN_FACE signal
# here (if not earlier)

&screw; # catches SIGORGASM

We made it!


Come to think of it, this goes a long way to explaining why I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. :slight_smile: Oh, well, I’ve got Perl and emacs now, who needs anything else?